Every couple argues — it’s part of being human. But sometimes, communication takes on a painful rhythm: one person doesn’t feel heard, the other feels misunderstood, and both end up repeating the same patterns over and over again.
You might notice:
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Conversations turning into debates rather than moments of connection.
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One partner shutting down while the other grows louder in frustration.
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The same issues resurfacing, even after you thought they were resolved.
This is what we call a communication loop — a cycle where each person’s way of coping triggers the other’s. One may withdraw to keep the peace, while the other pursues to feel close again. The more one pulls away, the more the other chases, and before long, both feel lonely, hurt, and unseen.
Why it feels so hard to get out of the loop
When emotions run high, our nervous system goes into protection mode. We stop listening to understand and start listening to defend. Even with the best intentions, partners can end up missing each other’s true needs — often love, safety, or reassurance beneath the words.
How couples therapy can help
Couples therapy isn’t about deciding who’s right or wrong. It’s about understanding the pattern between you and finding your way back to connection.
A skilled couples therapist can help you:
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Recognize the cycle you both get caught in.
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Learn to communicate your needs without triggering defensiveness.
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Rebuild trust and emotional safety.
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Strengthen empathy and teamwork in the relationship.
Breaking the loop takes courage — and support. But once partners begin to see each other as allies rather than opponents, new conversations become possible — the kind that create healing, closeness, and lasting understanding.
Kristena Disalvo
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